The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I feel seen.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes