I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
You Might Also Like
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”