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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please