Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A leaf blower, but for people.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me when my alarm goes off
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂