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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?