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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The glory of fall.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
the battle rages on
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLΓRDFULL and ΓDMJUK on their play date.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Would you wear it?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Drunk at 20: βIβm going to call my ex.β
Drunk at 30: βIβm going to tweet my MP.β
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didnβt ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a βfunβ talk?
Me: not for you
Iβd like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.