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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Wish I was alive in the 70βs and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by todayβs shit.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but thereβs no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
βI gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they wantβ
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Itβs so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Itβs not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout βparkour!β after
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to Xβsel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?