I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.