Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.