1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.