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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
never forget
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.