wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.