1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
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Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
is nasa ok
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move