If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Proctology is located in A55
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches