Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Is….Is this an option?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I want what they have