1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I mean…but I did
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.