1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no