Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you