1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
🙂🙃🥹
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
What personal space?
My dog
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]