1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
twitter is a journey
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*