@ericsshadow: 1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
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@turtledumplin: My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup .... Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund
@CulturedRuffian: INTERVIEWER: What are your skills? BATMAN: I right things. I: What do you write? B: I Right People's Wrongs. I: Oh so you're an editor?
@KeetPotato: [petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?
@BlondAmbitionTO: When I die, before I'm cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.