Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When he asks for feet pics
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me