1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You Might Also Like
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*checks Timeline*…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang