@tech_pirate: 1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it's either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it's Colin.
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@tracietom: Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce. Me: (through tears)"you're"
@Th3BadGuy__: I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn't kiss me under anesthesia.
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
@mommajessiec: Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye* Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair* Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her* Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach. Also kids: ALREADY?!?