1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
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[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The game has officially changed 😎
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Erm…
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.