McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…