1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs