1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Breaking news:
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My retirement plan is to become a cat.