1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
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I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.