Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!