[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.