In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
☠️☠️☠️
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
drew a comic about my origin story
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.