Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
yall want some gasoline milk
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”