#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.