@GSElevator: #1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don't know who's calling.
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@Thing_Finder: TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@lizetagge: The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...
@BoogTweets: Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar? Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I'm serious, it's just for crows.
@TheAlexNevil: First day of school and 8's teacher has already sent a note home with him: "You dropped your son off at the wrong school."