I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?