10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
it was a valiant fight
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
That’s enough internet for the day
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.