10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
#Thanos #MondayMood
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
no regrets
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat