10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.