BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”