$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I am a gravy boat captain
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older