@maxlavergne: 100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn't know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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@hannalee_slc: I just googled "jokes to tell right before you die" and if that doesn't tell you what kind of person I am, I don't know what does.
@2friedroomies: Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed] Her: Tell me your fantasy. Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
@HuffPostComedy: Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special 'Live At The Comedy Store'