100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.