[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body