[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.