Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
me irl
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.