* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.