As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Kids, do not try this at home!
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Baller is short for ballerina
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get