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@caliluvgirl77: If you slowly put your fingers in someone's mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."
@LivibelsDada: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
@david8hughes: My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money.