me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.