My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
This kinda thing happens to me often
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!