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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?