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@ibid78: [right after my lie detector test] -Make sure that machine shows I've had plenty of the sex "Sir that's not what it does- -I SAID MAKE SURE
@nbadag: [restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
@JennyJohnsonHi5: This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.