[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.