Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though