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@be_yourownhero: 10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 3-year-old: A monster truck. I don't think insurance is going to cover that surgery.
@ItsLaTourette: I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed